Imablog

Artifacts

During the course of exploring strange new wildernesses and bars, Hooligans have stumbled onto a variety of magical artifacts. Some of these are believed to have been placed here by Hoo.

The Drunk Table

Located at the old Boca’s Nightclub (South side), the Drunk Table is a powerful artifact, known for it’s magical ability to get Hooligans drunk on a remarkably small amount of alcohol (or at least what seems to be a small amount to a drunken Hooligan).

Flamingos

Prior to one houseboat trip, several plastic garden flamingos were kidnapped and taken on a houseboat holiday with the Hooligans. We figured they had gotten tired of sitting out on the lawn all day and could use a holiday. We had every intention of returning them the next week complete with pictures of their vacation.Several years later, after being stored in the trunk of a car, they are slowly starting to disappear. No one is quite sure how they’re escaping, or where they are going, but some believe they are being taken by Hoo. It’s also entirely possible they’re tired of being cooped up in the trunk and are just walking away to go find a better party.

The Table

The Table is a mystical artifact found in CAB (Central Academic Building) on the U of A campus which was discovered by Hooligans during their years as undergrad students. It is basically a Hooligan magnet, since at any given day, a Hooligan could be found at the Table. Between classes, Hooligans were instinctively drawn to the Table where we would hang out and pretend to study. Although the Table would periodically change locations, Hooligans were still drawn to it wherever it was.

Gertie the Goose

Gertie the Goose is a faithful companion of the Hooligans on their houseboat trips. She helps us stay afloat when we are swimming in the water and makes sure we don’t get too far away from the boat. Gertie is sometimes also used as a plaything by Lizardman.

The Shuswap area is populated with a variety of wildlife, some harmless and a few less so.

Shuswapian Rope Snakes

The rope snake is a long, thin creature, usually blue in colour, but occasionally black ones can be found. They are often found in groups and generally hunt as a pack. Their favourite hunting tactic is to disguise themselves as a houseboat mooring line, lying in wait for an unsuspecting beach wanderer. When in range, the rope snake strikes, tangling itelf around the person’s feet and causing them to trip. The attack of a rope snake is swift and vicious, often leaving the victim with damaged and scarred feet.

Shuswapian fart mice (Peromyscus flatulatus)

Fart mice and belch toads (see below) are among the more innocuous creatures found in the area. They make a variety of sounds, ranging from almost inaudible ‘pffft’ noises to loud trumpeting sounds. Fart mice also emit a rather unpleasant odour from specialized scent glands which has been known to clear out a houseboat full of Hooligans. After having stowed away in someone’s car, fart mice can now be found everywhere.

Shuswapian belch toads (Bufo erectator)

Another of the more harmless creatures, belch toads can be heard day or night emitting loud burping sound, sometimes loud enough to rattle windows.

Gronk Monsters

Gronk monsters are the bane of Hooligans, creeping up from behind and grabbing them, usually to dunk into the lake. Few have ever successfully evaded an attacking gronk monster. Gronk monsters get their name from the “GRONK!!!” sound they make before attacking. However, by the time the victim hears the gronk monster, he’s usually already in the lake.

Ubangi Warrior / Kokanee Warrior

Fierce warriors of the Shuswap area. Can be identified by their distinctive face and body painting

Flash’s Ghost Swallow (Hirudo lemuri)

A small nocturnal bird first identified by Flash when it apparently flew into one of the houseboat windows and promptly disappeared.

Hangover Faeries

Hangover faeries are invisible sprites that attack Hooligans to get them inebriated. They hit you over the head so you wake up with a headache, kick you in the stomach so you feel sick and pukey, and steal all your money and fill your pockets with change. They will also slip tiny hearing aids into your ears turned up all the way so even the quietest noise seems really loud.

Rocky Mountain Barking Spider (Dolomedes brontus)

A water spider which hangs under the surface and emits a cry very similar to that of the belch toad.

Kleep-kleep crabs

A strange species of crab which walks around on land with long spindly limbs clicking it’s claws together making a kleep-kleep sound.

Plank Trolls

Plank trolls live underneath extended houseboat planks and eat mainly spilled beer and oreo cookies. Their favourite hunting technique is to lay in wait underneath their plank and grab the foot of anyone attempting to cross. This usually makes the unsuspecting victim trip and spill their drink or food.

av-a-tar \av-a -t;är\ n
Skt avat;ära descent, fr. avatarati he descends, fr. ava– away + tarati he crosses over — more at UKASE, THROUGH (1784)
1: the incarnation of a Hindu deity (as Vishnu)
2a: an incarnation in human form
2b: an embodiment (as of a concept or philosophy) usu. in a person
3: a variant phase or version of a continuing basic entity

The concept of avatars is important within the Cult Of Hoo. These avatars represent certain aspects of Hoo, who show themselves in the material world by possessing the bodies of the truly faithful. The avatars are very similar to the concept of Loa in the Vodun religion, with the faithful taken control of by another entity.

Becoming of being ridden by an avatar is a great honour for any Hooligan, and the discovery of a new avatar is a great event, often accompanied by drinking sacramental Crown Royal, blessed beer or Holy Paralyzers.

Being possessed by an avatar has nothing to do with the rank of a Hooligan. Virgin Hooligans have felt the touch of an avatar, while some Grand High Hooligans have yet to be blessed.

What follows is a list of the known Avatars Of Hoo and a description of their abilities. Avatars can possess any Hooligan they want, although some are known to have a preference for specific Hooligans.

Jacques Fondue

French Canadien explorer extraordinaire, and first to discover the Ubangi and Kokanee Warriors.

Pierre Fromage

Compatriot and fellow explorer of Jacques Fondue. After Pierre was taken by gronk monsters, he was replaced by his younger brother, Richard Fromage.

Lurch

Born in the depths of Red Robin’s, Lurch is capable of uttering only one sound, a low, painful sounding groan.

Jake O’Rourke

Irish ponce of ill-repute who won’t go to sleep, even when threatened with violence and familial strife. Enjoys piling luggage or whatever other heavy objects are at hand on passed out drunks.

Billy McSackiw

Scottish ponce of ill-repute. Keeper of the legendary Chicken of Bristol and known for passing out when there is still work to be done. The Legendary Chicken of Bristol is actually a very pathetic life form, legendary in its uselessness. Possessing no skeleton, it is constantly flaccid and lifeless, even with outside stimulation. It lacks the ability to go anywhere or do anything productive. Some Hooligans have speculated that the Legendary Chicken of Bristol is dead from having been choked by Billy.

Captain Apathy

Captain Apathy has amazing powers of apathy, which if he cares to concentrate enough, can be projected onto others, inducing a group-wide sense of apathy.

Swallow

An uncommon avatar which rarely manifests itself, Swallow is one of two female incarnations. Swallow is very firtatious and dum as a post. Swallow enjoys chewing gum and trying to get others taste it.

The Chronicler

Usually a relatively sober Hooligan, the Chronicler is responsible for keeping a record of the nights events in order to assist other Hooligans in reconstructing the night. A side effect of the Chronicler’s efforts is that no Hooligan will ever have a successful political career.

Cabin Man

Plaything of the Hooligans. The only avatar to be granted honorary female status.

Dense Man

Although low in power, Denseman is very subtle, the originator of the Holy Ritual of Mowing Lawns. His technique involves the special ability to not be able to take a hint, no matter how broadly stated. Has been known to take over more than one Hooligan, often at the same time. Denseman’s ideals are upheld by the Paladins of the Penis, a brave order of knights who protect avatars from evil promiscuous influences when the avatar’s host is in a weakened physical state. Paladins of the Penis are very favoured by Denseman and so devoted to his ideals that Denseman my manifest himself in a Paladin at the behest of the Paladin without the Paladin observing the proper rituals. It is this limited human control over possession that allows the Paladins of the Penis to be so effective.

DiaperMan

A randomly roaming individual with a confused sense of having lost his wallet. He is known to wander off for extended periods of time to either watch Dr. Zhivago or search for his wallet. In place of his wallet, he now carries a faux-alligator skin purse which is filled with a non-scented, petroleum based lubricant. DiaperMan will remove a quantity of the lubricant using an appendage of his choice and offer it to you while asking the question, “Does this smell like Root Beer to you?”

The DiaperMan monnicker stems from his passion for wearing any type of absorbent undergarment. He is basically harmless, unless cornered without access to absorbent like undergarments. He will then vigorously defend himself with non-sequiturs and social impropriety.

Possibly related to Denseman, Diaperman has zero concept of personal graces when it comes to directing personal questions at his victims in any social setting. DiaperMan was first encountered somewhere on the East Coast of the lower, continental United States of Litigious America during his intense interrogation of Unambiguously Gay M. (formerly known as Ambiguously Gay M).

Spandex Ninja

Martial artist of great renown and cunning ability to avoid Wet Willies even when asleep. Customary garb of Lycra based cycling clothing offers absolutely no camoflauge unless in a crowd of other cyclists.

I had lost the original version of this during a server move, so had to resurrect it from the WayBack Machine. What was stored there was incomplete, so a few of the images are missing. And of course since I was a little bit (ok, a lot) plastered at the time, I don’t recall what equations were represented by the missing images. One of these days I’ll have to make something up (or else get drunk again) to fill in the missing equations.

Intoxication and Beer Consumption

A while ago, the Chronicler and the Black Creature, being a couple of math and physics minded types attempted to derive a mathematical relationship between beer consumption and intoxication. The work was never completed though, because both researchers ended up getting drunk while performing experiments to test their theories.

Let Intoxication Factor be defined as where φ represents the amount of beer consumed,

Beer Consumption

The function is a complex function representing the amount of beer consumed

where

n = number of people present
α = alcohol content of beer (vector quantity)
t = time spent in the bar
= amount of food consumed
p = probability that a certain beer with alcohol content is chosen

To simplify things, we make the assumption that only beer is involved. If hard alcohol is included, the equation becomes more complex. Since most beers are of similar alcohol content, and people tend to stick with a single brand of beer, we can assume that α is a constant and p = 1. This equation simplifies to

image missing

Further, if blood is donated prior to beer consumption, an additional multiplicative factor (determined empirically) of

is applied.

Intoxication Factor (IF)

Intoxication factor is a rather complicated non-linear integral-differential equation incorporating beer consumption, metabolism and the complex Hooligan Factor.

Obviously, IF will depend on φ, so we’ll start with that,

Now, we must include metabolic effects, which will act to decrease the amount of alcohol,

image missing

where

m = mass of the person
E(t) = energy expenditure during drinking period

E(t) takes into account whether or not the person has been dancing, moving around or wrestling in the bar. We can simplify this by assuming that the majority of time is spent sedentary. In this case, M(t) becomes a constant factor. Incorporating this, we get

image missing

Theoretically, IF can increase without bound, because of the positive exponential dependence on alcohol consumption. But, empirically, it has been observed that after a certain time, depending on the rate and amount of alcohol consumed, a critical point is reached and a phase change occurs where a violent expulsion of the person’s stomach contents takes place. This critical point is represented by a rapidly decreasing exponential that dominates at high t.

Geezus’ theory on how your stomach acts as a bouncer for the rest of your body.

Stomach: Ok, you can come in…you too. Stay out of trouble. Whoop, tequila, nope you’re outta here.

Tequila: Aww man, we won’t cause any trouble. We just want to have a little fun.

Stomach: Well, ok. But just one.

Tequila: Alright! Woohoo!

Tequila starts sneaking his friends in

Tequilas: Woohoo! Bang! Bang! (guns firing)

Stomach: All right, everyone out! All of you are out of here! Even you ham & eggs. I know you didn’t do anything, but you’re out of here!

At this point, Stomach forcibly ejects whoever is left partying.