Cult of Hoo: About the Hooligans

Definition
Webster’s dictionary defines a cult as:

cult \’kult\ n
[F & L; F culte, fr. L cultus care, adoration, fr.cultus, pp. of colere to cultivate — more at WHEEL] (1679)
1: formal religious veneration: WORSHIP
2: a system of religious beliefs and rituals; also: its body of adherents
3: a religion regarded as unorthodox or spurious;also: its body of adherents
4: a system for the cure of disease based on dogma set for by its promulgator
5a: great devotion to a person, idea, or thing; esp.: such devotion regarded as a literary or intellectual fad
5b: a usu. small circle of persons united by devotion or allegiance to an artistic or intellectual movement or figure

Beliefs

Members of the Cult of Hoo (also known as Hooligans) worship the great god Hoo. We believe in many things:

• drunken debauchery never planning things more than 10 minutes in advance
• any plans made are subject to change
• apathy (except where beer is concerned)
• scratch breaks

Commandments of Hoo

1. Drink
2. See Commandment #1.

Hierarchy

• El Presidente
• Hoolikhan
• Grand High Hooligan
• High Hooligan
• Hooligan Adept
• Hooligan Veteran
• Hooligan

The title of El Presidente is currently held by Willy Nelson as a result of a unanimous coup which overthrew Jeremy the Dancing Bear, who is now Supreme Dictator for Life in Exile (and Oberkommander das poopenpakenjaeger).

The remaining titles are awarded to Hooligans based on the number of pilgrimages (houseboat trips) made to the Shuswap Lakes. Hooligans must have a minimum of 3 houseboat trips and perform some act of sacrifice to gain the attention of Hoo in order to earn the title of Hooligan. From there, each successive trip gains the Hooligan another rank.

Dress and Deportment

Hooligans can usually be identified by the distinctive and colourful (some would say ugly) Hawaiian shirts they wear whenever offering libations to Hoo. This helps make fellow Hooligans easier to identify and easier to find when inebriated or otherwise mentally incapacitated. A really good Hawaiian shirt also looks really cool under black lights found at bars. Weather permitting, the preferred footwear of Hooligans are Tevas. Tevas make for functional drinking footwear because if someone spills a drink or pukes on your foot, you don’t have to spend the rest of the night walking around in wet socks and shoes.

Hooligans are also allowed to do many things, often with impunity, such as:

• kidnapping other cult member whenever we feel like it
• kidnapping friendly non-cult members
• mowing lawns
• paladining
• and other things

The preferred drink of choice for any self respecting Hooligan is Crown Royal rye (the nectar of Hoo) and Coke. Actually, any drink will do, although many Hooligans seem to have a severe reaction to tequila.

Avatars

Occasionally when offering libations and sacrifices and performing rituals dedicated to Hoo, Hoo himself may show his presence by taking over a Hooligan. This is usually someone who has sacrificed and spewed much in Hoo’s name.

To date, there have been several avatars identified.

Rituals

The ritual that defines a Hooligan is the annual pilgrimage to the grand Lakes of Shuswap where Hooligans spend time communing with and offering libations to Hoo and attempting to reach higher levels of Hooliganism. There, Hooligan cult leaders, members and recruits spend a week on a houseboat drinking and partying in the name of Hoo. During the evenings, the word of Hoo is spread to all houseboats along the beach and to all who will listen to the doctrines of Hoo. On occasion, just passing a beach has been known to send non-believers rushing to pull up their stakes in search of another beach to dock at. The following verse describes the pilgrimage quite well.

I’ve been gone for a week, and I’ve been drunk since I left
These so-called vacations will soon be my death
I’m so sick from the drink I need home for a rest
Take me home!!

from the song “Home for a Rest” by Spirit of the West

Although relatively safe, the Lakes of Shuswap can be a dangerous place, especially for newer Hooligans unfamiliar with the Shuswapian Bestiary. Even veteran Hooligans have been known to fall victim to some of the wildlife of the area.

Battlecries

While on the Lakes of Shuswap, there have been reported contacts with the legendary Ubangi Warriors, fierce but primitive inhabitants of the Shuswap area. Other encounters with the indigenous population and other pilgrims sometimes result in heated combat with water balloons. Mostly, these conflicts are resolved at night with each side boasting about how much they can consume and proceeding to demonstrate. Usually the person left conscious and most drunk is declared the winner. During these battles, a number of battle cries can be heard.

• You are but the buzzing of a fly to me, for I am VIGO!!!
• I used to be a coyote, but I’m all right noooooowwwwww
• I find this party ineffective for the following reasons! (usually used as a victory cry by Hooligans.)

The following is often used by an elite group of Hooligans known as the Glee Club (say it as fast as possible):

Here’s to it, for it, to do it again
If you don’t get to it,
May you be brought to it, tied to it, and made to do it until you die from it!
Real Good!

Blackout Hours

Hooligans and blackout hours go together like peanut butter and jam. Blackout hours are periods of alcohol induced amnesia. Often, blackout hours are periods during which a Hooligan has been taken over by an avatar and in these instances, anything can happen. Many famous Hooligan moments have occurred during blackout periods. They can be used as a simple method of keeping score among Hooligans. Blackout hours can also be used as alibis or excuses. After all, if you can’t remember what happened or what you did, then whatever evidence there may be against you is purely circumstantial.

Oddly enough, here in Canada some guys have successfully used this defense similar to this in a court of law. The laws have been changed however, to prevent this type of defense.