Category: Cult of Hoo

There are several activities which Hooligans engage in, usually inflicted upon other Hooligans.

Kidnapping

A group of Hooligans (quorum not required) can opt to kidnap another Hooligan if

1. the Hooligan in question has missed too many meetings
2. they decide that the Hooligan in question needs to get drunk
3. they feel like it

Mowing Lawns

The act of mowing lawns is one of the greatest (and most amusing) Hooligan traditions. Mowing a lawn refers to interrupting or otherwise spoiling a fellow Hooligan’s attempt at hitting on a female of the species. A successful mow has no save and recovery is impossible. The degree of mow can range from a push mower to a large field mower and in the case of an exceptionally good mow, a combine tractor.

One of the most successful mows went like this (names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent):

Ed and Fred are up at RATT, talking to a couple of girls at the next table. Ted walks up and says, “Ed, your wife just called. You have to go home because Stephanie’s sick.” Girl #2 looks at Fred and says, “So, are you married too?”

A fine example of a critical success on the mow with no recovery at all.

Paladins of the Penis

An activity related to mowing lawns, Hooligans become Paladins of the Penis in order to rescue or prevent another Hooligan from falling into the clutches of one of the females of the species. This is usually done when the Hooligan in question is drunk enough to not realize what he’s getting into or whenever fellow Hooligans decide someone needs to be paladined.

Missions

Recently, several Hooligans have taken to spreading the word of Hoo to other places. On a recent trip to Las Vegas, Hooligans introduced many new alcoholic beverages to the primitive natives there. The natives were so in awe of our advanced drinking technology that Hooligans were given many free drinks as a show of gratitude. The extremely primitive conditions there though made them come back (rudimentary ATM facilities, lack of late night pizza places). Future trips are in the works though.

Bean Day

“Every day is bean day!” There were a number of reasons why this was so, but being drunk at the time, nobody wrote them down or can remember them anymore.

Wet Willies

An activity of great amusement and dubious value, a wet willie involves getting a finger wet with your own saliva and sticking it into an unsuspecting Hooligan’s ear.

Silly Breaks

On the houseboat, when it’s hot and sunny outside, and the alcohol has been flowing all morning, you can’t help but get silly. When a silly break is called, everybody gets naked and jumps off the side of the boat into the water. A great deal of fun (especially when women are involved).

Spewmaster/Spewmistress

This title is awarded to the most recent Hooligan to spew during the course of offering libations and sacrifices to Hoo. A special Hawaiian shirt also goes along with this award to identify the SpewMaster to other Hooligans.

Blackout 100

There are very few members in the Blackout 100. Members of this society have managed to accumulate 100 blackout hours in less than 2 months.

Lizardvenom 25

A title only the most insane would covet. Becoming a member of this society means you’ve consumed 25 ounces of Lizardvenom (which was actually supposed to be a Pangalactic Gargle Blaster, but Lizardmann was too drunk to remember how to make them). Lizardmann is currently (and will likely remain) the only member of this society. Lizardvenom contains vodka, lemon gin and Triple Sec for flavour. A few drops of Grenadine adds a nice shade of red to the drink.

Definition
Webster’s dictionary defines a cult as:

cult \’kult\ n
[F & L; F culte, fr. L cultus care, adoration, fr.cultus, pp. of colere to cultivate — more at WHEEL] (1679)
1: formal religious veneration: WORSHIP
2: a system of religious beliefs and rituals; also: its body of adherents
3: a religion regarded as unorthodox or spurious;also: its body of adherents
4: a system for the cure of disease based on dogma set for by its promulgator
5a: great devotion to a person, idea, or thing; esp.: such devotion regarded as a literary or intellectual fad
5b: a usu. small circle of persons united by devotion or allegiance to an artistic or intellectual movement or figure

Beliefs

Members of the Cult of Hoo (also known as Hooligans) worship the great god Hoo. We believe in many things:

• drunken debauchery never planning things more than 10 minutes in advance
• any plans made are subject to change
• apathy (except where beer is concerned)
• scratch breaks

Commandments of Hoo

1. Drink
2. See Commandment #1.

Hierarchy

• El Presidente
• Hoolikhan
• Grand High Hooligan
• High Hooligan
• Hooligan Adept
• Hooligan Veteran
• Hooligan

The title of El Presidente is currently held by Willy Nelson as a result of a unanimous coup which overthrew Jeremy the Dancing Bear, who is now Supreme Dictator for Life in Exile (and Oberkommander das poopenpakenjaeger).

The remaining titles are awarded to Hooligans based on the number of pilgrimages (houseboat trips) made to the Shuswap Lakes. Hooligans must have a minimum of 3 houseboat trips and perform some act of sacrifice to gain the attention of Hoo in order to earn the title of Hooligan. From there, each successive trip gains the Hooligan another rank.

Dress and Deportment

Hooligans can usually be identified by the distinctive and colourful (some would say ugly) Hawaiian shirts they wear whenever offering libations to Hoo. This helps make fellow Hooligans easier to identify and easier to find when inebriated or otherwise mentally incapacitated. A really good Hawaiian shirt also looks really cool under black lights found at bars. Weather permitting, the preferred footwear of Hooligans are Tevas. Tevas make for functional drinking footwear because if someone spills a drink or pukes on your foot, you don’t have to spend the rest of the night walking around in wet socks and shoes.

Hooligans are also allowed to do many things, often with impunity, such as:

• kidnapping other cult member whenever we feel like it
• kidnapping friendly non-cult members
• mowing lawns
• paladining
• and other things

The preferred drink of choice for any self respecting Hooligan is Crown Royal rye (the nectar of Hoo) and Coke. Actually, any drink will do, although many Hooligans seem to have a severe reaction to tequila.

Avatars

Occasionally when offering libations and sacrifices and performing rituals dedicated to Hoo, Hoo himself may show his presence by taking over a Hooligan. This is usually someone who has sacrificed and spewed much in Hoo’s name.

To date, there have been several avatars identified.

Rituals

The ritual that defines a Hooligan is the annual pilgrimage to the grand Lakes of Shuswap where Hooligans spend time communing with and offering libations to Hoo and attempting to reach higher levels of Hooliganism. There, Hooligan cult leaders, members and recruits spend a week on a houseboat drinking and partying in the name of Hoo. During the evenings, the word of Hoo is spread to all houseboats along the beach and to all who will listen to the doctrines of Hoo. On occasion, just passing a beach has been known to send non-believers rushing to pull up their stakes in search of another beach to dock at. The following verse describes the pilgrimage quite well.

I’ve been gone for a week, and I’ve been drunk since I left
These so-called vacations will soon be my death
I’m so sick from the drink I need home for a rest
Take me home!!

from the song “Home for a Rest” by Spirit of the West

Although relatively safe, the Lakes of Shuswap can be a dangerous place, especially for newer Hooligans unfamiliar with the Shuswapian Bestiary. Even veteran Hooligans have been known to fall victim to some of the wildlife of the area.

Battlecries

While on the Lakes of Shuswap, there have been reported contacts with the legendary Ubangi Warriors, fierce but primitive inhabitants of the Shuswap area. Other encounters with the indigenous population and other pilgrims sometimes result in heated combat with water balloons. Mostly, these conflicts are resolved at night with each side boasting about how much they can consume and proceeding to demonstrate. Usually the person left conscious and most drunk is declared the winner. During these battles, a number of battle cries can be heard.

• You are but the buzzing of a fly to me, for I am VIGO!!!
• I used to be a coyote, but I’m all right noooooowwwwww
• I find this party ineffective for the following reasons! (usually used as a victory cry by Hooligans.)

The following is often used by an elite group of Hooligans known as the Glee Club (say it as fast as possible):

Here’s to it, for it, to do it again
If you don’t get to it,
May you be brought to it, tied to it, and made to do it until you die from it!
Real Good!

Blackout Hours

Hooligans and blackout hours go together like peanut butter and jam. Blackout hours are periods of alcohol induced amnesia. Often, blackout hours are periods during which a Hooligan has been taken over by an avatar and in these instances, anything can happen. Many famous Hooligan moments have occurred during blackout periods. They can be used as a simple method of keeping score among Hooligans. Blackout hours can also be used as alibis or excuses. After all, if you can’t remember what happened or what you did, then whatever evidence there may be against you is purely circumstantial.

Oddly enough, here in Canada some guys have successfully used this defense similar to this in a court of law. The laws have been changed however, to prevent this type of defense.

Artifacts

During the course of exploring strange new wildernesses and bars, Hooligans have stumbled onto a variety of magical artifacts. Some of these are believed to have been placed here by Hoo.

The Drunk Table

Located at the old Boca’s Nightclub (South side), the Drunk Table is a powerful artifact, known for it’s magical ability to get Hooligans drunk on a remarkably small amount of alcohol (or at least what seems to be a small amount to a drunken Hooligan).

Flamingos

Prior to one houseboat trip, several plastic garden flamingos were kidnapped and taken on a houseboat holiday with the Hooligans. We figured they had gotten tired of sitting out on the lawn all day and could use a holiday. We had every intention of returning them the next week complete with pictures of their vacation.Several years later, after being stored in the trunk of a car, they are slowly starting to disappear. No one is quite sure how they’re escaping, or where they are going, but some believe they are being taken by Hoo. It’s also entirely possible they’re tired of being cooped up in the trunk and are just walking away to go find a better party.

The Table

The Table is a mystical artifact found in CAB (Central Academic Building) on the U of A campus which was discovered by Hooligans during their years as undergrad students. It is basically a Hooligan magnet, since at any given day, a Hooligan could be found at the Table. Between classes, Hooligans were instinctively drawn to the Table where we would hang out and pretend to study. Although the Table would periodically change locations, Hooligans were still drawn to it wherever it was.

Gertie the Goose

Gertie the Goose is a faithful companion of the Hooligans on their houseboat trips. She helps us stay afloat when we are swimming in the water and makes sure we don’t get too far away from the boat. Gertie is sometimes also used as a plaything by Lizardman.

The Shuswap area is populated with a variety of wildlife, some harmless and a few less so.

Shuswapian Rope Snakes

The rope snake is a long, thin creature, usually blue in colour, but occasionally black ones can be found. They are often found in groups and generally hunt as a pack. Their favourite hunting tactic is to disguise themselves as a houseboat mooring line, lying in wait for an unsuspecting beach wanderer. When in range, the rope snake strikes, tangling itelf around the person’s feet and causing them to trip. The attack of a rope snake is swift and vicious, often leaving the victim with damaged and scarred feet.

Shuswapian fart mice (Peromyscus flatulatus)

Fart mice and belch toads (see below) are among the more innocuous creatures found in the area. They make a variety of sounds, ranging from almost inaudible ‘pffft’ noises to loud trumpeting sounds. Fart mice also emit a rather unpleasant odour from specialized scent glands which has been known to clear out a houseboat full of Hooligans. After having stowed away in someone’s car, fart mice can now be found everywhere.

Shuswapian belch toads (Bufo erectator)

Another of the more harmless creatures, belch toads can be heard day or night emitting loud burping sound, sometimes loud enough to rattle windows.

Gronk Monsters

Gronk monsters are the bane of Hooligans, creeping up from behind and grabbing them, usually to dunk into the lake. Few have ever successfully evaded an attacking gronk monster. Gronk monsters get their name from the “GRONK!!!” sound they make before attacking. However, by the time the victim hears the gronk monster, he’s usually already in the lake.

Ubangi Warrior / Kokanee Warrior

Fierce warriors of the Shuswap area. Can be identified by their distinctive face and body painting

Flash’s Ghost Swallow (Hirudo lemuri)

A small nocturnal bird first identified by Flash when it apparently flew into one of the houseboat windows and promptly disappeared.

Hangover Faeries

Hangover faeries are invisible sprites that attack Hooligans to get them inebriated. They hit you over the head so you wake up with a headache, kick you in the stomach so you feel sick and pukey, and steal all your money and fill your pockets with change. They will also slip tiny hearing aids into your ears turned up all the way so even the quietest noise seems really loud.

Rocky Mountain Barking Spider (Dolomedes brontus)

A water spider which hangs under the surface and emits a cry very similar to that of the belch toad.

Kleep-kleep crabs

A strange species of crab which walks around on land with long spindly limbs clicking it’s claws together making a kleep-kleep sound.

Plank Trolls

Plank trolls live underneath extended houseboat planks and eat mainly spilled beer and oreo cookies. Their favourite hunting technique is to lay in wait underneath their plank and grab the foot of anyone attempting to cross. This usually makes the unsuspecting victim trip and spill their drink or food.