Category: Cult of Hoo

av-a-tar \av-a -t;är\ n
Skt avat;ära descent, fr. avatarati he descends, fr. ava– away + tarati he crosses over — more at UKASE, THROUGH (1784)
1: the incarnation of a Hindu deity (as Vishnu)
2a: an incarnation in human form
2b: an embodiment (as of a concept or philosophy) usu. in a person
3: a variant phase or version of a continuing basic entity

The concept of avatars is important within the Cult Of Hoo. These avatars represent certain aspects of Hoo, who show themselves in the material world by possessing the bodies of the truly faithful. The avatars are very similar to the concept of Loa in the Vodun religion, with the faithful taken control of by another entity.

Becoming of being ridden by an avatar is a great honour for any Hooligan, and the discovery of a new avatar is a great event, often accompanied by drinking sacramental Crown Royal, blessed beer or Holy Paralyzers.

Being possessed by an avatar has nothing to do with the rank of a Hooligan. Virgin Hooligans have felt the touch of an avatar, while some Grand High Hooligans have yet to be blessed.

What follows is a list of the known Avatars Of Hoo and a description of their abilities. Avatars can possess any Hooligan they want, although some are known to have a preference for specific Hooligans.

Jacques Fondue

French Canadien explorer extraordinaire, and first to discover the Ubangi and Kokanee Warriors.

Pierre Fromage

Compatriot and fellow explorer of Jacques Fondue. After Pierre was taken by gronk monsters, he was replaced by his younger brother, Richard Fromage.

Lurch

Born in the depths of Red Robin’s, Lurch is capable of uttering only one sound, a low, painful sounding groan.

Jake O’Rourke

Irish ponce of ill-repute who won’t go to sleep, even when threatened with violence and familial strife. Enjoys piling luggage or whatever other heavy objects are at hand on passed out drunks.

Billy McSackiw

Scottish ponce of ill-repute. Keeper of the legendary Chicken of Bristol and known for passing out when there is still work to be done. The Legendary Chicken of Bristol is actually a very pathetic life form, legendary in its uselessness. Possessing no skeleton, it is constantly flaccid and lifeless, even with outside stimulation. It lacks the ability to go anywhere or do anything productive. Some Hooligans have speculated that the Legendary Chicken of Bristol is dead from having been choked by Billy.

Captain Apathy

Captain Apathy has amazing powers of apathy, which if he cares to concentrate enough, can be projected onto others, inducing a group-wide sense of apathy.

Swallow

An uncommon avatar which rarely manifests itself, Swallow is one of two female incarnations. Swallow is very firtatious and dum as a post. Swallow enjoys chewing gum and trying to get others taste it.

The Chronicler

Usually a relatively sober Hooligan, the Chronicler is responsible for keeping a record of the nights events in order to assist other Hooligans in reconstructing the night. A side effect of the Chronicler’s efforts is that no Hooligan will ever have a successful political career.

Cabin Man

Plaything of the Hooligans. The only avatar to be granted honorary female status.

Dense Man

Although low in power, Denseman is very subtle, the originator of the Holy Ritual of Mowing Lawns. His technique involves the special ability to not be able to take a hint, no matter how broadly stated. Has been known to take over more than one Hooligan, often at the same time. Denseman’s ideals are upheld by the Paladins of the Penis, a brave order of knights who protect avatars from evil promiscuous influences when the avatar’s host is in a weakened physical state. Paladins of the Penis are very favoured by Denseman and so devoted to his ideals that Denseman my manifest himself in a Paladin at the behest of the Paladin without the Paladin observing the proper rituals. It is this limited human control over possession that allows the Paladins of the Penis to be so effective.

DiaperMan

A randomly roaming individual with a confused sense of having lost his wallet. He is known to wander off for extended periods of time to either watch Dr. Zhivago or search for his wallet. In place of his wallet, he now carries a faux-alligator skin purse which is filled with a non-scented, petroleum based lubricant. DiaperMan will remove a quantity of the lubricant using an appendage of his choice and offer it to you while asking the question, “Does this smell like Root Beer to you?”

The DiaperMan monnicker stems from his passion for wearing any type of absorbent undergarment. He is basically harmless, unless cornered without access to absorbent like undergarments. He will then vigorously defend himself with non-sequiturs and social impropriety.

Possibly related to Denseman, Diaperman has zero concept of personal graces when it comes to directing personal questions at his victims in any social setting. DiaperMan was first encountered somewhere on the East Coast of the lower, continental United States of Litigious America during his intense interrogation of Unambiguously Gay M. (formerly known as Ambiguously Gay M).

Spandex Ninja

Martial artist of great renown and cunning ability to avoid Wet Willies even when asleep. Customary garb of Lycra based cycling clothing offers absolutely no camoflauge unless in a crowd of other cyclists.

I had lost the original version of this during a server move, so had to resurrect it from the WayBack Machine. What was stored there was incomplete, so a few of the images are missing. And of course since I was a little bit (ok, a lot) plastered at the time, I don’t recall what equations were represented by the missing images. One of these days I’ll have to make something up (or else get drunk again) to fill in the missing equations.

Intoxication and Beer Consumption

A while ago, the Chronicler and the Black Creature, being a couple of math and physics minded types attempted to derive a mathematical relationship between beer consumption and intoxication. The work was never completed though, because both researchers ended up getting drunk while performing experiments to test their theories.

Let Intoxication Factor be defined as where φ represents the amount of beer consumed,

Beer Consumption

The function is a complex function representing the amount of beer consumed

where

n = number of people present
α = alcohol content of beer (vector quantity)
t = time spent in the bar
= amount of food consumed
p = probability that a certain beer with alcohol content is chosen

To simplify things, we make the assumption that only beer is involved. If hard alcohol is included, the equation becomes more complex. Since most beers are of similar alcohol content, and people tend to stick with a single brand of beer, we can assume that α is a constant and p = 1. This equation simplifies to

image missing

Further, if blood is donated prior to beer consumption, an additional multiplicative factor (determined empirically) of

is applied.

Intoxication Factor (IF)

Intoxication factor is a rather complicated non-linear integral-differential equation incorporating beer consumption, metabolism and the complex Hooligan Factor.

Obviously, IF will depend on φ, so we’ll start with that,

Now, we must include metabolic effects, which will act to decrease the amount of alcohol,

image missing

where

m = mass of the person
E(t) = energy expenditure during drinking period

E(t) takes into account whether or not the person has been dancing, moving around or wrestling in the bar. We can simplify this by assuming that the majority of time is spent sedentary. In this case, M(t) becomes a constant factor. Incorporating this, we get

image missing

Theoretically, IF can increase without bound, because of the positive exponential dependence on alcohol consumption. But, empirically, it has been observed that after a certain time, depending on the rate and amount of alcohol consumed, a critical point is reached and a phase change occurs where a violent expulsion of the person’s stomach contents takes place. This critical point is represented by a rapidly decreasing exponential that dominates at high t.

Geezus’ theory on how your stomach acts as a bouncer for the rest of your body.

Stomach: Ok, you can come in…you too. Stay out of trouble. Whoop, tequila, nope you’re outta here.

Tequila: Aww man, we won’t cause any trouble. We just want to have a little fun.

Stomach: Well, ok. But just one.

Tequila: Alright! Woohoo!

Tequila starts sneaking his friends in

Tequilas: Woohoo! Bang! Bang! (guns firing)

Stomach: All right, everyone out! All of you are out of here! Even you ham & eggs. I know you didn’t do anything, but you’re out of here!

At this point, Stomach forcibly ejects whoever is left partying.

The Opgenorth Constant was derived in order to explain why the mark you received should be a 10/10. The principles are sound when drunk, but otherwise fails all tests of sober math.

If your mark is A, and the highest possible mark is B, then Aomicron = Bomicron, where omicron is the Opgenorth Constant. Thus, your mark A=B. QED.

Way back a bunch of years ago, when we were all undergrads, a lot of time was spent up at RATT. Being an eclectic collection of physicist, engineering and biologist wanna-bes, it was kind of natural for us to come up with theories during our periods of inebriation. Most of these theories made perfect sense when we were developing them at the time (lots of weird things people do while drunk make sense only to them).

I bring you a number of these scientific principles resurrected from the WayBack Machine and posted here for posterity (also because Tom has taken the wiki versions of these pages down and has never put them back up).

Joe’s Drunkeness Exclusion Principle

You can only know what you’re doing and where you are to a finite precision.
You can know what you’re doing, but you won’t kow where you are
OR
You can know where you are but you won’t know what you’re doing
OR
On the rare occasion you do know where you are and what you’re doing, you won’t know how you got there.